Cobra Zero

Coors UK: Cobra: Zero (England: Low Alcohol Lager: 0% ABV)

Visual: Pale yellow. Moderate bubbled head.

Nose: Dry cake sponge. Malt loaf. Wet cardboard. Wort.

Body: Lime. Cake sponge. Wet cardboard. Wort. Sulphur.

Finish: Cardboard. Wet air. Granite. Sulphur.

Conclusion: 3.4 seconds. That is how long this beer had me fooled. 3.4 seconds. Rounded to one decimal place. You see, despite an indifferent aroma, the first few seconds of this beer sitting on my tongue showed some appeal.

There was a Czech crisp character, a touch of lime, and hints of well used pilsner hop styling. Yeah, 3.4 seconds that lasted. Then the actual beer hit. Well, I say beer, this thing is more like the wort you get in a mash tun. Indistinct, vaguely malty and rough flavour. Here it is “backed” by the joys of wet cardboard and granite. Worse still they have another element from wort, that kind of sulphur element, here it is possibly best described as if someone just farted in your beer.

No that isn’t a compliment. Not even if you have a fart fetish.

Anyway, this shouldn’t have been a surprise to me. The rough wort character was there from first sniff, I was just trying to give it the benefit of the doubt. Giving it a chance to impress me. It didn’t.

It feels unfinished, unpleasant, and hangs around far too long. I’ve both heard and used the term “wet cardboard” before, but never as appropriately as here. It tastes bitter like chewing on bitter leaves rather than like hops, and gives nothing worth a damn past that 3.4 seconds. No it isn’t worth it for those 3.4 seconds.

It is like someone scooped unfinished wort out, then chemically extracted the alcohol, as if they were impatient to get this crap away from them as quickly as they could.

And for that alone I can’t blame them.

Background: So, I was in the supermarket. All my usual low abv beers had sold out. So, I thought I would experiment – what is the worst that could happen? Anyway, despite what I think may be Sanskrit on the bottle ( I looked up and couldn’t find an exact match but it looked close to one of the words for snake) this is brewed in the UK. I’m shocked, shocked I say. Anyway, after grabbing it I hear that apparently recent Cobra advertising has been pretty darn sexist. I’ve not managed to find the advert so I couldn’t say myself. Probably for the best, I don’t need more things to piss me off. This was drunk while listening to Bratmobile – Pottymouth. Yes I’m back on a riot girl punk kick again.

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