Tag Archive: Lager


Cobra Zero

Coors UK: Cobra: Zero (England: Low Alcohol Lager: 0% ABV)

Visual: Pale yellow. Moderate bubbled head.

Nose: Dry cake sponge. Malt loaf. Wet cardboard. Wort.

Body: Lime. Cake sponge. Wet cardboard. Wort. Sulphur.

Finish: Cardboard. Wet air. Granite. Sulphur.

Conclusion: 3.4 seconds. That is how long this beer had me fooled. 3.4 seconds. Rounded to one decimal place. You see, despite an indifferent aroma, the first few seconds of this beer sitting on my tongue showed some appeal.

There was a Czech crisp character, a touch of lime, and hints of well used pilsner hop styling. Yeah, 3.4 seconds that lasted. Then the actual beer hit. Well, I say beer, this thing is more like the wort you get in a mash tun. Indistinct, vaguely malty and rough flavour. Here it is “backed” by the joys of wet cardboard and granite. Worse still they have another element from wort, that kind of sulphur element, here it is possibly best described as if someone just farted in your beer.

No that isn’t a compliment. Not even if you have a fart fetish.

Anyway, this shouldn’t have been a surprise to me. The rough wort character was there from first sniff, I was just trying to give it the benefit of the doubt. Giving it a chance to impress me. It didn’t.

It feels unfinished, unpleasant, and hangs around far too long. I’ve both heard and used the term “wet cardboard” before, but never as appropriately as here. It tastes bitter like chewing on bitter leaves rather than like hops, and gives nothing worth a damn past that 3.4 seconds. No it isn’t worth it for those 3.4 seconds.

It is like someone scooped unfinished wort out, then chemically extracted the alcohol, as if they were impatient to get this crap away from them as quickly as they could.

And for that alone I can’t blame them.

Background: So, I was in the supermarket. All my usual low abv beers had sold out. So, I thought I would experiment – what is the worst that could happen? Anyway, despite what I think may be Sanskrit on the bottle ( I looked up and couldn’t find an exact match but it looked close to one of the words for snake) this is brewed in the UK. I’m shocked, shocked I say. Anyway, after grabbing it I hear that apparently recent Cobra advertising has been pretty darn sexist. I’ve not managed to find the advert so I couldn’t say myself. Probably for the best, I don’t need more things to piss me off. This was drunk while listening to Bratmobile – Pottymouth. Yes I’m back on a riot girl punk kick again.

Brewdog: Cult Lager (Scotland: Lager: 5.4% ABV)

Disclaimer: For Brewdog beers I  cannot be considered unbiased. However I will attempt to be impartial in these notes.

Visual: Clear amber with apricot overtones. Large bubbly head that does not last too long.

Nose: Pineapple, apricot, sweet cake icing. Distinct peaches, very appealing and light.

Body: Lots of malt, pineapple again. Sweet puff pastry.

Finish: Burnt wood, hops, slight treacle. More puff pasty and sugar Bitter back.

Conclusion: Not bad at all, fantastic nose, decent shot of malt in the body.

The Brewdog fellows were apparently disappointed in this beer, but its still got some chops on it.

It’s a bit simple and a bit weak and too dry at the end, but also has nice pineapple tones in the body and decent flavour for a lager.

This beer has been surpassed by the 77 lager, but ok as an easy going beer.

Becks Alcohol Free (Germany: Lager?: 0% ABV- trace)

Visual: Somewhat pale amber – thin bubble head.

Nose: Raw meat, slight malt, slight sweetness and slight rubber.

Body: Chemical (how with Germanys purity laws?), cheap chicken grit and sugar.

Finish: Dry, some wheat like hops. Tastes like a grey day outside feels. Raw meat.

Conclusion: Not as bad as tescos value lager but shares a similar raw meat style which is far for recommended. I must wonder how the fuck they made a beer under the Germany purity law that tastes chemical filled?

No alcohol free beer I have ever tried has been worth a damn and this beer does not change that trend.

Tuborg Julebryg (Denmark: Christmas Lager: 5.6% ABV)

Visual: Amber light and clear

Nose: Fresh and crisp

Body: Sweet, light hops, honey

Finish: caramel, a creamy frothiness, little bitterness, brown sugar

Conclusion: A much beloved beer in Denmark with local papers counting down the days to its release. Not too heavy but a varied taste and enjoyable brew and apparently people taking the day off work to go buy it. Not a distinctly Christmas ale but enjoyable nonetheless, the little bit of back-story adds greatly to the tale and enjoyment of the beer.

Carlsberg: Carls Special (Denmark: Lager: 4.4% ABV)

Visual: Nice soft head, lovely ruby colour; clear

Nose: Light, slight hops, sour dough

Body: Smooth; dry bark, bitter hops

Finish: Bitter, rising greenery (green leaves) and outdoors air

Conclusion: Better than standard Carlsberg – though that is not hard; a reasonable hoppy lager with a touch more flavour than expected. It was enjoyed but not worth taking time to seek out, if you happen to bump into it then its worth a quick try.

Tesco Value Lager: (England : Lager :2% ABV)

“kindly” donated to the tasting notes by Dave Behan, you utter bastard.

Visual: pale watery brown, initial soda stream like bubbles to a carbonated head, both fizz and head dissipate quickly.

Nose: Chemicals, rubber, maybe a hint of malt before being overpowered by gym sock and gone off meat. Tellingly even after pouring the half undrunk can down the sink the smell remains half an hour later like the fetid remnants of seagulls vomit.

Body: watery, some science lab escapees hanging at the back of the throat, after a while a mucus like taste appears but I think that results from my own gag reflex as opposed to being an element of the beer.

Finish: Won’t leave no matter how much you wish it would. Sweat and changing room haze hanging on the tongue

Conclusion: Give this to your kids if you want to have them abstain from alcohol for life. But if you do, don’t come complaining to me when the social services take them away and prosecute you for child abuse you sick fucks!

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