Tag Archive: Vile Putrid Filth


Black Isle: 5-A-Day (Scotland: Fruit Session IPA: 3.5% ABV)

Visual: Darkened yellow to brown. Very large off white bubbled head.

Nose: Passion-fruit. Lightly wheaty. Light white pepper. Light hop character and bitterness.

Body: Sour-dough. Gritty bitterness. Gritty hop character. Chalk. Light tart gapes.

Finish: Gritty bitterness. High hop bitterness. Slight charring. Dry guava. Dry passion-fruit. Flour. Chalk.

Conclusion:Ok, this is one of the least fruity IPAs I have ever encountered. Which, considering it is made with passion-fruit is really a bad sign.

First impressions are of just a gritty, slightly chalky and rough thing. The beer seems to have run into the problem that a lot of session IPAs do, which that that unless they are brewed very well then the lower malt base can make the beer feel dry and over-attenuated with little residual sweetness, which can make the higher hop load just acrid rather than flavoursome.

Over time an ,admittedly still very dry, fruit character does out, but it is never anywhere near enough to push itself ahead of the dry charring that is the front of the beer. It isn’t big flavoured except in roughness, it isn’t easy drinking in any way, the hops are rough and the malt is empty. Even worse the added fruit twist does very little resulting in a beer that is both dull and harsh.

So this is a bad beer – chalky and clinging with all the worst elements holding on the longest. This is genuinely one to avoid as it has nigh no redeeming qualities.

Background: Black Isle Brewery was one of the first set of beers I did notes on, back when I was first starting the blog. They were ok but nothing special back then. Since then they seem to have a complete image overhaul and gone more into the craft beer scene rather than the more traditional ales they did before. So when I saw a bunch of their beers at Independent Spirit I decided to grab one and see how they had changed. This is is a low abv IPA made with passion-fruit. Seems simple enough. I put on Testament – Low for music to back this. No real reason, just enjoy their music.

Advertisements

Brewdog: Indie Pale Ale (Scotland: English Pale Ale: 4.2% ABV)

Visual: Pale gold. Clear. Large mounded bubbled head. Lots of small bubbled carbonation.

Nose: Noble hop style hop oils. Light greenery note. Vanilla toffee.

Body: Hard fruit sweets. Creamy hop oils and light bitterness. More hop oils. Clean lager feel. Cardboard. Light chalk. Soft lemon.

Finish: Hop oils and light bitterness. Flour. Clean lager like feel.

Conclusion: What sort of beer is this supposed to be? Indie Pale Ale suggest an IPA – which this sure as fuck is not. It could also be an EPA/APA I guess, which this could be called if you were feeling kind. But, basically, it feels like a lager – or maybe a low bitterness Kölsch if that makes sense – but not as good.

Early on there is some promise – creamy and hard fruit sweet notes, but they soon vanish. You are left instead with a substandard lager mouthfeel and some oily hop character and … that’s it. This is, well, dull. I’ve had shitter Brewdog beers, but they tended to at least be adventurous and experimental. This is just dull and empty. It is almost a slightly chalky mass market lager masquerading as an *PA. I mean, come on, it is some sort of wildcard-PA – that is the style that is right in the centre of Brewdog’s beer set and this is still complete tug.

There is a touch of vanilla, but the chalky touch makes it so you can’t really enjoy this as a lager. In the first few moments it has flavour but soon becomes watery and empty. The oily hop character, while it does have a nice texture touch, is the only thing this beer has going for it.

Tripe. Utter tripe. Avoid.

Background; Ok, As indicated in the main notes I am kind of guessing when I list this as English Pale Ale. I put that as “shit” turns out not to be an accepted style category. Who would have thought? Ratebeer lists it as Session IPA. From the name I would guess IPA but it does not explicitly state that so I can’t use my usual “Go with what they call it” definition. So, kind of close to English Pale Ale I guess. If you squint and presume the brewer didn’t know how to brew. As always I am not an unbiased actor on Brewdog beers – but as this review probably shows I try not to let that alter my tasting notes. This is one of Brewdog’s new core beers and was grabbed directly from their online shop. This was drunk while listening to the Paprika OST – such an awesome surreal anime move and such good music.

Isawa Blended Whiskey

Isawa: Blended Whiskey (Japanese Blended Whiskey: 40% ABV)

Visual: Pale grain gold.

Viscosity: Thick fast streaks.

Nose: Alcohol in thick jelly style. Some lime. Sulphur. Rice and grain. Toffee. Actually more alcohol style with water.

Body: Kind of empty. Toffee. Dry rice and rice crackers. Vanilla. Water adds, well a slight watery character. Still mainly toffee.

Finish: Malt chocolate. Rice crackers and boiled white rice. Dust balls. Grit. Muddy water. Light lime and chocolate. Water makes, well, pretty much the same.

Conclusion: You know how Japan has a very hard earned and well deserved reputation for high quality whisky? Well this is trying to shit all over that reputation then flush it down the toilet. It is possibly, simultaneous, the most empty and most unwelcome whisky I have ever encountered.

Let’s jump straight past the aroma and go onto that first sip. There is nearly nothing as it hits the tongue, now over time toffee will come out, but for now the best I can define an element is just kind of stale rice crackers. That is it.

Then, oh the, the finish hits. Dust, grit and muddy water. How can something so empty end this badly? There is still some toffee, but generally it is just rough and without any real intended or good flavours.

Now may be a good time to bring up something I encountered from googling. This is described as having a “unusual and intriguing flavour”. That is possible the closest we will find to truth in advertising for this thing – It is definitely unusual, and well I am intrigued how they made a whisky this bad. I have said many a time that there is nearly never such a thing as a bad whisky, even rough whiskies can be made better with water, and generally they have the hard to define “whisky” character that brings you to the game. Not here. I can imagine a bunch of advertising execs sitting, and their long withered conscience nagging at them. Even they can’t describe these in the usual flowery terms. It would be a lie too far

So, “unusual and intriguing flavour” it ended up then.

Incidentally I mentioned water above, no amount of water helps this. It just seems to same but more, well, like dirty water. Water just makes it taste like water.

So, erm, to be fair, what is the good side of this? Erm, toffee notes exist. Occasional lime notes come out. Ok, being fair done!

So, back to why this is shit. It feels rough. It feels empty. It, somehow, manages to make a finish that is only grit and dry rice last an insanely long and painful time.

I was sceptical when warned about this, but no, they were right, this is possibly the worst whisky that exists, it is at least the worst I have ever tried.

It is bad.

Seriously bad.

Background: This may be the whiskey I tweeted about earlier in the week. Maybe. This is the second of a set of whisky bottles given to me with about a double of spirit left in them for tasting note purposes, provided by Independent Spirit. Many thanks! Drunk while listening to Ritualz: CDR album, a weird electronic, haunting thing of which I am very fond. Chris of Independent spirit did warn me this was bad up front, I thought he was exaggerating… This is described as being made with a malted barley “close to” pearl barley in style, which from a quick google is a barley with all the bran removed. Not sure that sounds like a good idea.

Cobra Zero

Coors UK: Cobra: Zero (England: Low Alcohol Lager: 0% ABV)

Visual: Pale yellow. Moderate bubbled head.

Nose: Dry cake sponge. Malt loaf. Wet cardboard. Wort.

Body: Lime. Cake sponge. Wet cardboard. Wort. Sulphur.

Finish: Cardboard. Wet air. Granite. Sulphur.

Conclusion: 3.4 seconds. That is how long this beer had me fooled. 3.4 seconds. Rounded to one decimal place. You see, despite an indifferent aroma, the first few seconds of this beer sitting on my tongue showed some appeal.

There was a Czech crisp character, a touch of lime, and hints of well used pilsner hop styling. Yeah, 3.4 seconds that lasted. Then the actual beer hit. Well, I say beer, this thing is more like the wort you get in a mash tun. Indistinct, vaguely malty and rough flavour. Here it is “backed” by the joys of wet cardboard and granite. Worse still they have another element from wort, that kind of sulphur element, here it is possibly best described as if someone just farted in your beer.

No that isn’t a compliment. Not even if you have a fart fetish.

Anyway, this shouldn’t have been a surprise to me. The rough wort character was there from first sniff, I was just trying to give it the benefit of the doubt. Giving it a chance to impress me. It didn’t.

It feels unfinished, unpleasant, and hangs around far too long. I’ve both heard and used the term “wet cardboard” before, but never as appropriately as here. It tastes bitter like chewing on bitter leaves rather than like hops, and gives nothing worth a damn past that 3.4 seconds. No it isn’t worth it for those 3.4 seconds.

It is like someone scooped unfinished wort out, then chemically extracted the alcohol, as if they were impatient to get this crap away from them as quickly as they could.

And for that alone I can’t blame them.

Background: So, I was in the supermarket. All my usual low abv beers had sold out. So, I thought I would experiment – what is the worst that could happen? Anyway, despite what I think may be Sanskrit on the bottle ( I looked up and couldn’t find an exact match but it looked close to one of the words for snake) this is brewed in the UK. I’m shocked, shocked I say. Anyway, after grabbing it I hear that apparently recent Cobra advertising has been pretty darn sexist. I’ve not managed to find the advert so I couldn’t say myself. Probably for the best, I don’t need more things to piss me off. This was drunk while listening to Bratmobile – Pottymouth. Yes I’m back on a riot girl punk kick again.

Pure Evil

Sainsbury: Basic Bitter (England: Bitter: 2.1% ABV)

Visual: Golden brown, clear and highly carbonated. An inch of off white bubbles.

Nose: Cooked chicken. Light malt. Peanuts.

Body: Cardboard. Water. Sweat. Chalky and fizzy. Slight nuts. Grit. Sodasteams.

Finish: Some bitterness and hop character. Cooked rubbery chicken. Granite. Sodastream.

Conclusion: OK, now quite a few fellow bloggers and beer drinkers read this blog. Could you people do me a favour please? Whenever you find a shit beer, could you call it “a bad Behan beer” please. That man keeps giving me utterly shite beers to review and I intend to drag his name to infamy as revenge.

Thank you.

So, as you may have guessed, not a good beer. Not at all.

It starts out as merely non descript and only after time does its true craptastic nature reveal itself. How bad? Take a bitter. Ok, you have a pint of bitter? Add some water. No, more than that. More still, even more. Ok, cool. Now strain some sweat in. Done? Ok, now run it through a sodastream for TWO FUCKING YEARS!

You now have this beer.

Seriously. After about an inch you realise this thin feels like an ocean of tiny bubbles run over chalk. In its defence, quite uniquely for a bad Behan beer it actually has some bitterness and hop character in the finish.

Right, that’s enough being fair. I just have this horrid need to treat beer with respect and fair judgement. However since this feels like at least 50% water and 49% enough carbonation to make a bottle rocket out of the leaning tower of Pisa, that was not much fairness I owed it.

Flavour wise it is not as vile as other beers I have had, but the gassiness is vile to a degree similar to bloody Victoria Bitter. On a bad day.  No, really that bad. Avoid.

Background: Ok, this one can’t just be a another clone of Tesco’s value lager. For one it is a bitter. For another it is a whole 0.1% stronger. This is another “gift” from Dave Behan. A man who takes pleasure in my suffering. A  satanic Beelzebub of torment. In fact he gave me a four pack of them. Bastard. Drunk while listening to the 3rd FLCL OST. I figured I would need something happy to take my mind off the beer. No, I wasn’t well dispositioned towards this beer even before drinking it, why do you ask? According to rate beer the beer is made by Carlsberg UK. I should have guessed.

CIMG2353

Morrisons: M Savers: Lager (England: Pale Lager: 2% ABV)

Visual: Grain gold. Massive carbonation. Large white bubbled head.

Nose: Slightly off raw chicken. Muggy. Dry malt. Sweaty sock.

Body: Fizzy. Cardboard. Mucus. Lots of carbonation. Watery – ditch water. Rubber.

Finish: Musty and hairballs. Cardboard. Raw chicken. Cold pizza texture and gorge rising acid reflux.

Conclusion: This is just Tesco Value Fucking lager in a different can isn’t it? God-damn it Dave Behan, have you just conned me into drinking this piece of shit twice?

Ok, it may or may not be the same beer. I would hate to think that there are two beers that bad out there in the world but you have to face these horrors some time. It is likely they are at least related, like the withered stumps of an incestuous beer family tree. Worrying, the idea of two beer cans with inbreeding withered limbs rutting together to squat out this monstrosity is a less disturbing image than actually drinking the thing. Just. Don’t test it, it isn’t worth it.

Rubber, cardboard, off chicken, watery and for once the moments of watery blandness are the ones you live for.

I can’t bring a similar hate for this that I did for Tesco value lager, vile as it is. I am an older and hypothetically wiser reviewer and I realise its own existence is its punishment. Lets face it, it tastes like the sweat dripped from a scab ridden dirty old man’s grey sock into a dirty glass. That sort of thing has to scar a beer for life. Lets face it, whatever insults I throw at this beer can’t be worse that the process it lived through to become like this.

We should pity its sickness inducing form and offer it not scorn, but the emperors mercy of an early grave.

To the sink the beer goes, and in case you haven’t worked it out yet. NO THE BEER ISN’T ANY GOOD!

Background: Gifted to me my Dave Behan to exchange for decent beer at a recent promotion. Part of the strings attached to the gift was that I had to review a can of the beer. Now that is some twisted shit. Behan has previously “Gifted” me Tesco’s value lager, which I am mostly convinced is in fact the same beer as this one. This review is a callback to the earlier days of my reviews when I tended more towards the hyperbolic being a fan of such shows as Zero Punctuation and the Nostalgia Critic . Nowadays I try to follow the example of the late great Michael Jackson and look for the good in all beers if It can be found, and to do more critical analysis. It was fun to break out the hyperbole again, I may be exaggerating just slightly on the beer, but don’t be fooled. It really does not taste good. Drunk while listening to Paradise Lost: Gothic. The less that optimistic music seemed appropriate for some reason.

Warning, may be a rant

So looking over at beers of europe I see the following description of Brains Black

Brains Black is an exciting new stout from Brains. This finest Welsh stout has a bitterness and a distinctive dark malt flavour that is instantly recognisable as a true reflection of this style of beer. It has already proven extremely popular in consumer taste tests appealing to both new and established stout drinkers, and combined with its distinctive and contemporary identity, Brains Black is set to become a classic stout.

Now I already knew the beer was bad, I mean I’ve drunk it, I know.  However what the hell is this monstrosity

instantly recognisable as a true reflection of this style of beer.

I didn’t realise crap was a style of beer, but there you go, and if by recognisable a stout, ya mean its black,well ya its kinda hard to go wrong on that one, if ya mean by flavour then you sure are pulling my plonker mate.

It has already proven extremely popular in consumer taste tests appealing to both new and established stout drinkers

Popular in consumer taste testing with new stout drinkers, people who have up to this point drunk fizzy piss water and John Smiths?  Shoot well that’s something you should boast about.  Popular in consumer taste tests, yep that’s how you sell me a beer, because obviously I am a complete moron unable to know what’s good without a panel of judges telling me X-factor style what I should enjoy. Wankers.

Oh and by established stout drinkers, do you mean alcoholics who were on their tenth day of withdrawal, cos that’s the only way someone who has actually ever tasted a decent stout will consider this beer worthwhile

and contemporary identity

You misspelled corporate, you vile putrid filth shillers

I feel better for that

 


Great Heck Brewery: Hecks Angel (England: Golden Ale 3.9% ABV)

Visual: Pale yellowed grain with a rim of bubbles around the glass that give the impression of washing up liquid suds.

Nose: Light citrus, honeyed apricot, lemon sherbet and slightly syrupy.

Body: Light crushed petals, potpourri, bitter, dirty water. In fact kind of like bad tap water. I’m fairly sure the barman didn’t water this down right? Perfume.

Finish: Sour lime, soda and lime? Dust and vanilla.

Conclusion: I’m sorry, but this is a fucking beer and whisky review area, I don’t review tap water, especially not tap water that’s been used to clean the run off from the mens facilities.

The perfect beer for nothing, put it in an athletes drink bottle and watch as they wonder if they have in fact been drinking their own sweat.

The few evident flavours make you believe that a perfume bottle may have been spilt in it.

So in conclusion, mildly better than Tesco value lager. In fact sod it, I can’t even say that.

Addendum: With 30% coke added to this, it became possible to finish the pint. Yes there is an alcohol drink now that I am willing to advocate defiling with coke, .or in this case, defiling the coke with it

Tasting Notes: Brains: Black

Brains: Black (Wales: Stout: 4.1% ABV)

Visual: Guinness style opaque black with a creamy off white head.

Nose: Slight roasted nut, cream, liquorice and treacle. Very light.

Body: Bitter, roasted elements. Cream, slight sourness. Some hops Muggy flavours. Treacle.

Finish: Coffee. Charring is obvious as is the bitterness. Touch of chocolate.

Conclusion: A bad stout? Can there be such a thing, I’m afraid it seems so. The flavours are indistinct and dominated by the bitter and charred elements over the more subtle flavours.

It seems to be the stout offspring of Brains evil smooth line, and suffers much the same failings as that line. Fellow taster Chris says “Like Brains dark, but after your tastebuds get removed with battery acid, if fact, less Brains Dark, more Brains got beaten up in the dark” It seems no-one is impressed with this beer.

To finish with another quote

“The first bastard child of the unholy Brains-Heineken Alliance”

Butts: Organic Jester (England: Bitter: 4.5% ABV)

Visual: Pale still amber with but a sheen of bubbles.

Nose: Hops and light syrup.

Body: Light bitterness, cooked battery farm chicken.

Finish: Malt chocolate, orange, hops and growing bitterness.

Conclusion: Why is it any beer with organic in the name is invariably shit.

Truly that is a question for the ages.

Can I stop the review now? No? Ok.

It’s bland, basic, quite lacking in flavour and without any redeeming features. Ok, ok, it is better than Tescos Value Lager.

Still a tad shite.

%d bloggers like this: