Tag Archive: Vile Putrid Filth


Nirvana: Dark and Rich Stout (May Also Be called Kosmic Stout) (England: Low Alcohol: 0.0% ABV)

Visual: Black, with red hues at the edges. Still body. A thin grey dash of a head.

Nose: Musty. Wet cardboard. Wet teabags.

Body: Wet teabags. Iced tea. Nutty. Chalk touch. Mild liquid chocolate. Wort.

Finish: Wet teabags. Tannins. Lightly nutty. Slight chocolate. Wort. Mild coffee comes out very late on in the beer.

Conclusion: This is a stout? Wait, I’ll go one further, this is a beer? Wait I’ll go further, this is not considered cruel and usual punishment if served to prisoners? Going back to the first question, they do realise there is more to a stout than just being dark, right?

This is utterly dominated by low alcohol tells. There are so many tea bag notes, and iced tea tells, and even worse this generic wort mash just mehness that fills so much of the beer. Again this is in something called a stout. It feels very artificial and raw, as if it only got half way through the brewing process. Which, considering the abv makes sense, but not in a good way.

Over time you get a generally nutty character, even some melted chocolate notes, but they are pushed so far below the general wort like character that it really isn’t worth the effort to excavate them.

The wort character gives it a rough edge, that oddly even feels like an alcoholic rough edge in an ALCOHOL FREE DRINK. This is either impressive or a crime so bad it should be punishable by death.

So, erm, this barely counts as a stout so calling it one feels like false advertising. It is also terrible as any kind of beer.

Avoid it. It is shit.

Background: Ok for once I will open up with the music I listened to while drinking this, as I have since realised I 100% should have gone with Nirvana Nevermind. I did not. Instead I went with Ulver : The Assassination of Julius Caesar, which is awesome as most Ulver is. Anyway, this is another one from Light Drinks from the batch I grabbed. Not tried any from Nirvana before, but I have seen them advertise a lot of Facebook. This may or may not be a good sign. Stouts seems especially hard to do in low alcohol beers, though a day before having this I tried another stout from that Light Drinks batch that was amazing. However I did not do notes. I must try to grab another can to do. It was spot on. Not much else to add – This is listed on the bottle as Dark and Rich Stout, but everything I can see online suggest that this is the same beer as their Kosmic Stout even though I couldn’t find that name on the bottle. I may be wrong though. From the ingredients list it seems actual chocolate was used to make this. Also “natural favourings” which is an ever usefully vague term.

Inbev Belgium Budweiser: Zero (Belgium: Low Alcohol: 0.0% ABV)

Visual: Pale yellow brown clear body. A small off white head, and surprisingly low carbonation in the main body.

Nose: Slight sulphur. Sugar dusting. Vanilla. Soft lime. Caramel.

Body: Wet rocks. Charred note. Dry. Granite. Salt touch. Muggy. Off feeling bitterness. Some dry caramel.

Finish: Granite. Slight bitterness. Generally gritty. Gritty hop character. Wet air. Lime touch.

Conclusion: Ok, is this as bad as Tesco Value Lager? Notice I am not asking if it is good, that option flew a long time ago.

Actually, it did have one moment. One moment where it may have been something more. In the aroma, slightly muggy that it was, it did have a soft sweetness and lime touch that made me think this had the potential to be inoffensive.

High praise eh?

The body’s core is empty feeling, which, ya know, is Budweiser, but all around this are these rough granite, gritty notes. It feels like they made no attempt when brewing to compensate for the lack of malt backbone to offset the off notes and it just leaves everything dry and harsh.

There are vaguest hints that this could have been more – a touch of lime here, a whiff of caramel there, but in general it manages to be both offensively dull and empty and yet rough. If they had made it that bad deliberately that would have taken skill.

So is it worse than Tesco Value lager? Maybe, maybe not. Value Lager tastes worse, but does it in a more interesting way that I can tear into. This is crap in a very dull way. I’m not even enjoying insulting it that much.

Make of that what you will. Tesco Value is probably worse, yet I regret drinking this more.

This is the king of beers only in that I am an utter anti monarchist.

Background; Yep, Belgium. This was brewed in Belgium. Shocked me as well – we don’t even get the real USA piss water. We get the contract brewed version. I once drank standard Bud in New York. While not good, I remember it felt more easy drinking than the one we get here, but emptier in flavour. Though that was many a year ago. Wonder what differences there are here between this and the *ahem* real deal. Anyway, saw this is Co-op and thought “Fuck it, not done a beer I expect to be terrible for joke for a while, let’s give it a go, amuse the readers” So yes I went in with high expectations, honest, but seriously, I was willing to give it a chance – I have been surprised before by beers I expected to be terrible. Though I did put on Slipknot self titled album as backing music as I expected a need for rage and shouting, so I may have been tipping my hand there.

Freestar: Alcohol Free Beer (England: Low alcohol: 0.0% ABV)

Visual: Clear light body, a slightly browned yellow colour to it. Small bubbled carbonation in the body and medium off white head.

Nose: Whisky distillery smell – wort mash. Fresh dough. Light strawberry. Light sulphur.

Body: Slight chalk. Slight strawberry. Slightly chemically. Dough. Brown bread. Peppery.

Finish:Medicinal air. Slight juniper berries. Peppery. Gherkin touch.

Conclusion: Ok, as mentioned in the background this won the UK beer award. This? THIS?! How? Why? I mean it isn’t Tesco value lager but I think they stopped making that so it wouldn’t have been entered recently. Did someone sneak in a can of that which they had been holding in their fridge for a few years? Is that what happened?

So, you may have guessed already I am not a fan of this.

Everything from first impressions onwards say that this feels like a beer that isn’t quite ready to be poured yet. Ok, saying feels like a “beer” is an exaggeration, but roll with me on this one. The aroma is like the wort smell that fills a distillery and some breweries – the smell of an alcoholic product being made, not one that is finished and ready to drink.

The flavour is a mix of juniper berries and other light tart flavours that reminds me of attempts at unhopped old traditional beers – yet also quite chemically and artificial feeling. Slightly chalky and rough over what should be a clean lager like mouthfeel, but is far from that.

There is a peppery grounding, but again without anything to work against it it feels rough and unfinished.

A terrible alcohol free beer, rough edges, off flavours and very unfinished. Unacceptable in this time of a renaissance of low alcohol bers.

Avoid.

Background: Clear bottle. Has hops. Hopefully not lightstruck. Anyway, saw this, an alcohol free, and I mean genuinely free 0.0% beer in Sainsbury’s. Gluten Free as well – not a big deal for me, but does affect some people. Looked into it a bit more and it is kind of not a beer in that it has never been fermented. At all. Ingredients are listed as Water, Malted Barley. Perle hops … and other natural ingredients. Well that last one is no help at fucking all. Thanks. Anyway, had apparently been United Kingdom winner for World Beer Awards. Having drunk the beer now I do wonder if the other entry was fermented spunk. Only explanation I can find. Marginally better than fermented spunk. Put that in your ads Freestar, I dare you. Anyway, went with Lamb Of God: Ashes Of The Wake again for music while drinking. Another gig lost this year to Covid19. Ah well.

Harvey’s: Sussex Best Low Alcohol (England: Low Alcohol Bitter: 0.5% ABV)

Visual: Slight darkened gold. Thin white rim of bubbles.

Nose: Honey. Thick. Nutty – cashew nuts amongst others.

Body: Thin. Nutty. Slight chalk. Watery. Slight treacle and charring.

Finish: Syrup touch. Watery. Slightly nutty. Some bitterness. Charring.

Conclusion: Whelp, this was the wrong one to do notes on. You see, I also grabbed the low alcohol old ale, mainly out of perverse fascination of how you can do a low alcohol old ale. Anyway, that was ok. This is shit.

Before anyone jumps to the wrong conclusion, I’m not shitting on it because it is a low alcohol take on the much maligned best bitter style. I was actually interested in what they would do with that, I’m shitting on it because it is shit.

It actually opened up ok, which is what made everything else such a shock. The aroma is a mix of honey and nuts. No news yet on if cornflakes were ever present.

Yeah, that’s a shit joke, I’m working with what I have got ok. So the aroma was gentle, but pleasant.

The body is fucking water that someone has dropped a nut into. By which I mean an actually nut, I am not insinuating that they jerked off into it. Though they may have done that as well for all I know. Though that would add flavour, so I’m guessing not.

There is nothing in this recognisable as elements that make a bitter good, shoot there is nothing that makes a beer good. There are just ill defined wet nuts, some charred bitterness and chalk.

Utter shite.

That was “How to be more optimistic in these negative days” Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Background: More low alcohol beers. As mentioned in the notes I grabbed this and also a low alcohol old ale from the same brewery. Looks like rather than brewing a low alcohol beer, they brew the standard beer then filter out the alcohol – interesting – guess time will show if it produces a better or worse beer than brewing specifically a low alcohol beer. I guess technically it can feel like cheating compared to the challenge of doing a good low abv brew, but if a good beer comes out of it there is no way I will complain. Not much to add, this was grabbed at BeerCraft and drunk while listening to the best of Ramones for some simple punk fun.

Arcadia Group: Vicious But Delicious – Seriously Hot Sauce Co: Explosive Chilli Beer (England: Spice: 3%)

Visual: Clear, light caramel brown. Thin dash of a head.

Nose: Crushed chilli seeds. Habanero. Watery. Dried green chilli.

Body: Watery front. Chilli seed. Quick growing heat. Meaty chilli notes. Mango chutney. Brown sugar touch.

Finish: Chilli powder. Green chilli. Warm. Slight raspberry yogurt. Barbecue sauce. Slight charring.

Conclusion: This is kind of watery, very light textured and tastes like chilli powder has just been dumped straight into it. Not a good start.

If you pay attention there are hints of better defined chilli notes in there – a meaty, smokey note is hinted at mid body – some crushed green chilli notes in the finish. Generally however, you just get too much bloody chilli powder.

Oddly, despite the fact that this is the “explosive”, highest heat rating of the four beer set, this seems to top out at annoyingly warm rather than any real intensity. Before anyone thinks this is silly macho chilli heat dick waving, I would like to point out I am an utter chilli wimp. I like all the flavour, but little of the heat. So, while this may be hotter than some people like, I am fairly confident it is not the endorphin rush experience that I hear hardcore chilli heads enjoy when they get something seriously hot.

Beer wise this is bland, watery, with maybe some brown sugar notes but lacking in texture or anything more than the most generic flavours to back the chilli. It feels almost like caramel touched water rather than a beer.

Not the worst chilli beer I have had, shockingly enough, let alone the worst beer ever, however, that said, this is still utter shit.

Background: Sorry about the long heading – I have no idea if the spice company is called “Vicious But Delicious”, “Seriously Hot Sauce Co” or what. Googling did help me find out the brewery though – The Arcadia group, contract brewed for a Debenham’s four pack of chilli beers. This is the allegedly most spicy of the four and was given to me by a colleague at work to do notes on. Many thanks. Hot beer called for heavy music, so I put on Lamb Of God – Ashes of The Wake Album. I once did “Laid To Rest” on karaoke in Japan and it damn near did my throat it, so thematically appropriate for a chilli beer. Maybe.

Black Isle: 5-A-Day (Scotland: Fruit Session IPA: 3.5% ABV)

Visual: Darkened yellow to brown. Very large off white bubbled head.

Nose: Passion-fruit. Lightly wheaty. Light white pepper. Light hop character and bitterness.

Body: Sour-dough. Gritty bitterness. Gritty hop character. Chalk. Light tart gapes.

Finish: Gritty bitterness. High hop bitterness. Slight charring. Dry guava. Dry passion-fruit. Flour. Chalk.

Conclusion:Ok, this is one of the least fruity IPAs I have ever encountered. Which, considering it is made with passion-fruit is really a bad sign.

First impressions are of just a gritty, slightly chalky and rough thing. The beer seems to have run into the problem that a lot of session IPAs do, which that that unless they are brewed very well then the lower malt base can make the beer feel dry and over-attenuated with little residual sweetness, which can make the higher hop load just acrid rather than flavoursome.

Over time an ,admittedly still very dry, fruit character does out, but it is never anywhere near enough to push itself ahead of the dry charring that is the front of the beer. It isn’t big flavoured except in roughness, it isn’t easy drinking in any way, the hops are rough and the malt is empty. Even worse the added fruit twist does very little resulting in a beer that is both dull and harsh.

So this is a bad beer – chalky and clinging with all the worst elements holding on the longest. This is genuinely one to avoid as it has nigh no redeeming qualities.

Background: Black Isle Brewery was one of the first set of beers I did notes on, back when I was first starting the blog. They were ok but nothing special back then. Since then they seem to have a complete image overhaul and gone more into the craft beer scene rather than the more traditional ales they did before. So when I saw a bunch of their beers at Independent Spirit I decided to grab one and see how they had changed. This is is a low abv IPA made with passion-fruit. Seems simple enough. I put on Testament – Low for music to back this. No real reason, just enjoy their music.

Brewdog: Indie Pale Ale (Scotland: English Pale Ale: 4.2% ABV)

Visual: Pale gold. Clear. Large mounded bubbled head. Lots of small bubbled carbonation.

Nose: Noble hop style hop oils. Light greenery note. Vanilla toffee.

Body: Hard fruit sweets. Creamy hop oils and light bitterness. More hop oils. Clean lager feel. Cardboard. Light chalk. Soft lemon.

Finish: Hop oils and light bitterness. Flour. Clean lager like feel.

Conclusion: What sort of beer is this supposed to be? Indie Pale Ale suggest an IPA – which this sure as fuck is not. It could also be an EPA/APA I guess, which this could be called if you were feeling kind. But, basically, it feels like a lager – or maybe a low bitterness Kölsch if that makes sense – but not as good.

Early on there is some promise – creamy and hard fruit sweet notes, but they soon vanish. You are left instead with a substandard lager mouthfeel and some oily hop character and … that’s it. This is, well, dull. I’ve had shitter Brewdog beers, but they tended to at least be adventurous and experimental. This is just dull and empty. It is almost a slightly chalky mass market lager masquerading as an *PA. I mean, come on, it is some sort of wildcard-PA – that is the style that is right in the centre of Brewdog’s beer set and this is still complete tug.

There is a touch of vanilla, but the chalky touch makes it so you can’t really enjoy this as a lager. In the first few moments it has flavour but soon becomes watery and empty. The oily hop character, while it does have a nice texture touch, is the only thing this beer has going for it.

Tripe. Utter tripe. Avoid.

Background; Ok, As indicated in the main notes I am kind of guessing when I list this as English Pale Ale. I put that as “shit” turns out not to be an accepted style category. Who would have thought? Ratebeer lists it as Session IPA. From the name I would guess IPA but it does not explicitly state that so I can’t use my usual “Go with what they call it” definition. So, kind of close to English Pale Ale I guess. If you squint and presume the brewer didn’t know how to brew. As always I am not an unbiased actor on Brewdog beers – but as this review probably shows I try not to let that alter my tasting notes. This is one of Brewdog’s new core beers and was grabbed directly from their online shop. This was drunk while listening to the Paprika OST – such an awesome surreal anime move and such good music.

Isawa Blended Whiskey

Isawa: Blended Whiskey (Japanese Blended Whiskey: 40% ABV)

Visual: Pale grain gold.

Viscosity: Thick fast streaks.

Nose: Alcohol in thick jelly style. Some lime. Sulphur. Rice and grain. Toffee. Actually more alcohol style with water.

Body: Kind of empty. Toffee. Dry rice and rice crackers. Vanilla. Water adds, well a slight watery character. Still mainly toffee.

Finish: Malt chocolate. Rice crackers and boiled white rice. Dust balls. Grit. Muddy water. Light lime and chocolate. Water makes, well, pretty much the same.

Conclusion: You know how Japan has a very hard earned and well deserved reputation for high quality whisky? Well this is trying to shit all over that reputation then flush it down the toilet. It is possibly, simultaneous, the most empty and most unwelcome whisky I have ever encountered.

Let’s jump straight past the aroma and go onto that first sip. There is nearly nothing as it hits the tongue, now over time toffee will come out, but for now the best I can define an element is just kind of stale rice crackers. That is it.

Then, oh the, the finish hits. Dust, grit and muddy water. How can something so empty end this badly? There is still some toffee, but generally it is just rough and without any real intended or good flavours.

Now may be a good time to bring up something I encountered from googling. This is described as having a “unusual and intriguing flavour”. That is possible the closest we will find to truth in advertising for this thing – It is definitely unusual, and well I am intrigued how they made a whisky this bad. I have said many a time that there is nearly never such a thing as a bad whisky, even rough whiskies can be made better with water, and generally they have the hard to define “whisky” character that brings you to the game. Not here. I can imagine a bunch of advertising execs sitting, and their long withered conscience nagging at them. Even they can’t describe these in the usual flowery terms. It would be a lie too far

So, “unusual and intriguing flavour” it ended up then.

Incidentally I mentioned water above, no amount of water helps this. It just seems to same but more, well, like dirty water. Water just makes it taste like water.

So, erm, to be fair, what is the good side of this? Erm, toffee notes exist. Occasional lime notes come out. Ok, being fair done!

So, back to why this is shit. It feels rough. It feels empty. It, somehow, manages to make a finish that is only grit and dry rice last an insanely long and painful time.

I was sceptical when warned about this, but no, they were right, this is possibly the worst whisky that exists, it is at least the worst I have ever tried.

It is bad.

Seriously bad.

Background: This may be the whiskey I tweeted about earlier in the week. Maybe. This is the second of a set of whisky bottles given to me with about a double of spirit left in them for tasting note purposes, provided by Independent Spirit. Many thanks! Drunk while listening to Ritualz: CDR album, a weird electronic, haunting thing of which I am very fond. Chris of Independent spirit did warn me this was bad up front, I thought he was exaggerating… This is described as being made with a malted barley “close to” pearl barley in style, which from a quick google is a barley with all the bran removed. Not sure that sounds like a good idea.

Cobra Zero

Coors UK: Cobra: Zero (England: Low Alcohol Lager: 0% ABV)

Visual: Pale yellow. Moderate bubbled head.

Nose: Dry cake sponge. Malt loaf. Wet cardboard. Wort.

Body: Lime. Cake sponge. Wet cardboard. Wort. Sulphur.

Finish: Cardboard. Wet air. Granite. Sulphur.

Conclusion: 3.4 seconds. That is how long this beer had me fooled. 3.4 seconds. Rounded to one decimal place. You see, despite an indifferent aroma, the first few seconds of this beer sitting on my tongue showed some appeal.

There was a Czech crisp character, a touch of lime, and hints of well used pilsner hop styling. Yeah, 3.4 seconds that lasted. Then the actual beer hit. Well, I say beer, this thing is more like the wort you get in a mash tun. Indistinct, vaguely malty and rough flavour. Here it is “backed” by the joys of wet cardboard and granite. Worse still they have another element from wort, that kind of sulphur element, here it is possibly best described as if someone just farted in your beer.

No that isn’t a compliment. Not even if you have a fart fetish.

Anyway, this shouldn’t have been a surprise to me. The rough wort character was there from first sniff, I was just trying to give it the benefit of the doubt. Giving it a chance to impress me. It didn’t.

It feels unfinished, unpleasant, and hangs around far too long. I’ve both heard and used the term “wet cardboard” before, but never as appropriately as here. It tastes bitter like chewing on bitter leaves rather than like hops, and gives nothing worth a damn past that 3.4 seconds. No it isn’t worth it for those 3.4 seconds.

It is like someone scooped unfinished wort out, then chemically extracted the alcohol, as if they were impatient to get this crap away from them as quickly as they could.

And for that alone I can’t blame them.

Background: So, I was in the supermarket. All my usual low abv beers had sold out. So, I thought I would experiment – what is the worst that could happen? Anyway, despite what I think may be Sanskrit on the bottle ( I looked up and couldn’t find an exact match but it looked close to one of the words for snake) this is brewed in the UK. I’m shocked, shocked I say. Anyway, after grabbing it I hear that apparently recent Cobra advertising has been pretty darn sexist. I’ve not managed to find the advert so I couldn’t say myself. Probably for the best, I don’t need more things to piss me off. This was drunk while listening to Bratmobile – Pottymouth. Yes I’m back on a riot girl punk kick again.

Pure Evil

Sainsbury: Basic Bitter (England: Bitter: 2.1% ABV)

Visual: Golden brown, clear and highly carbonated. An inch of off white bubbles.

Nose: Cooked chicken. Light malt. Peanuts.

Body: Cardboard. Water. Sweat. Chalky and fizzy. Slight nuts. Grit. Sodasteams.

Finish: Some bitterness and hop character. Cooked rubbery chicken. Granite. Sodastream.

Conclusion: OK, now quite a few fellow bloggers and beer drinkers read this blog. Could you people do me a favour please? Whenever you find a shit beer, could you call it “a bad Behan beer” please. That man keeps giving me utterly shite beers to review and I intend to drag his name to infamy as revenge.

Thank you.

So, as you may have guessed, not a good beer. Not at all.

It starts out as merely non descript and only after time does its true craptastic nature reveal itself. How bad? Take a bitter. Ok, you have a pint of bitter? Add some water. No, more than that. More still, even more. Ok, cool. Now strain some sweat in. Done? Ok, now run it through a sodastream for TWO FUCKING YEARS!

You now have this beer.

Seriously. After about an inch you realise this thin feels like an ocean of tiny bubbles run over chalk. In its defence, quite uniquely for a bad Behan beer it actually has some bitterness and hop character in the finish.

Right, that’s enough being fair. I just have this horrid need to treat beer with respect and fair judgement. However since this feels like at least 50% water and 49% enough carbonation to make a bottle rocket out of the leaning tower of Pisa, that was not much fairness I owed it.

Flavour wise it is not as vile as other beers I have had, but the gassiness is vile to a degree similar to bloody Victoria Bitter. On a bad day.  No, really that bad. Avoid.

Background: Ok, this one can’t just be a another clone of Tesco’s value lager. For one it is a bitter. For another it is a whole 0.1% stronger. This is another “gift” from Dave Behan. A man who takes pleasure in my suffering. A  satanic Beelzebub of torment. In fact he gave me a four pack of them. Bastard. Drunk while listening to the 3rd FLCL OST. I figured I would need something happy to take my mind off the beer. No, I wasn’t well dispositioned towards this beer even before drinking it, why do you ask? According to rate beer the beer is made by Carlsberg UK. I should have guessed.

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