Morrisons: M Savers: Lager (England: Pale Lager: 2% ABV)

Visual: Grain gold. Massive carbonation. Large white bubbled head.

Nose: Slightly off raw chicken. Muggy. Dry malt. Sweaty sock.

Body: Fizzy. Cardboard. Mucus. Lots of carbonation. Watery – ditch water. Rubber.

Finish: Musty and hairballs. Cardboard. Raw chicken. Cold pizza texture and gorge rising acid reflux.

Conclusion: This is just Tesco Value Fucking lager in a different can isn’t it? God-damn it Dave Behan, have you just conned me into drinking this piece of shit twice?

Ok, it may or may not be the same beer. I would hate to think that there are two beers that bad out there in the world but you have to face these horrors some time. It is likely they are at least related, like the withered stumps of an incestuous beer family tree. Worrying, the idea of two beer cans with inbreeding withered limbs rutting together to squat out this monstrosity is a less disturbing image than actually drinking the thing. Just. Don’t test it, it isn’t worth it.

Rubber, cardboard, off chicken, watery and for once the moments of watery blandness are the ones you live for.

I can’t bring a similar hate for this that I did for Tesco value lager, vile as it is. I am an older and hypothetically wiser reviewer and I realise its own existence is its punishment. Lets face it, it tastes like the sweat dripped from a scab ridden dirty old man’s grey sock into a dirty glass. That sort of thing has to scar a beer for life. Lets face it, whatever insults I throw at this beer can’t be worse that the process it lived through to become like this.

We should pity its sickness inducing form and offer it not scorn, but the emperors mercy of an early grave.

To the sink the beer goes, and in case you haven’t worked it out yet. NO THE BEER ISN’T ANY GOOD!

Background: Gifted to me my Dave Behan to exchange for decent beer at a recent promotion. Part of the strings attached to the gift was that I had to review a can of the beer. Now that is some twisted shit. Behan has previously “Gifted” me Tesco’s value lager, which I am mostly convinced is in fact the same beer as this one. This review is a callback to the earlier days of my reviews when I tended more towards the hyperbolic being a fan of such shows as Zero Punctuation and the Nostalgia Critic . Nowadays I try to follow the example of the late great Michael Jackson and look for the good in all beers if It can be found, and to do more critical analysis. It was fun to break out the hyperbole again, I may be exaggerating just slightly on the beer, but don’t be fooled. It really does not taste good. Drunk while listening to Paradise Lost: Gothic. The less that optimistic music seemed appropriate for some reason.